Do you sometimes wonder why you (sometimes) allow people to influence your life’s choices (your decisions), your actions, directions, the way you talk, walk, the people you relate to, even sometimes, what or how you eat or drink? Well, it’s a perfectly normal phenomenon. We all, inadvertently, respond (positively or negatively), to the people who have greater influence over us in the need for acceptance. Sometimes, we don’t even realise it.
A while ago, I overheard someone talking to her friend in a restaurant. Let’s assume the lady is called Maria and her friend is Cynthia. Maria narrated how her late husband’s friend had asked her hand in marriage. Cynthia was very excited, and was curious to know her friend’s reply. Maria, of course, was shocked at her friend’s reaction, wondering if Cynthia (or indeed the man in question) had been wishing for her husband’s death. Maria, in a sombre voice, said she asked him “what will people say?” to which Cynthia, still very elated, quickly replied “who cares what people say?” Maria replied “I do”.
Lots of times when we find ourselves asking the question “what will people say?” it’s most likely because we automatically conclude that we are doing something wrong. Sometimes we are, and the conscience is the best judge. Lots of times, however, we yield to the pressure and the need to be accepted, even at the expense of our own happiness. We all have basic knowledge of right and wrong. Oh yes, if you pinch someone, chances are that they will hurt. And if you pinch hard enough, it will probably bleed, and they might cry, bruised physically and emotionally.
Peer pressure, according to Karen Dockrey, “is more than a direct invitation to do wrong. It is that uneasy feeling you get when you wear jeans to a party when everyone else is in elaborate gown or tuxedos. It’s an uncomfortable pressure that people of all ages face – the feeling that in order to (not just) be accepted, but also to be liked, we have to be like others.” Karen goes on to say “Peer pressure is the subtle, usually silent motivator that says, “when I’m around this person or this group, I need to act or look” in a certain way. We feel the pressure because we feel that in order to be accepted (or liked), we need to do what someone says, or behave in certain “acceptable” ways. Even when our brain tells us that our actions are not logical, our overbearing emotions instruct us otherwise.
Maria had a need, which her friend recognised, but which she was prepared to sacrifice for the sake of “societal acceptance”. Sadly, many people fall into this category, choosing to satisfy the dictates of peer pressure at the detriment of their ultimate happiness. They then live very sad lives, losing their self confidence, self worth, and the very friends they wanted to impress in the first place, and eventually die sad and sorry deaths. The question is “who cares”? The fact is that the main pressure is from within, and inner pressure is often stronger than the outward peer pressure. If someone says “here, have a beer”, and you don’t want it, you simply say “no thanks”. No-one can force you to drink what (or, if) you don’t want to. But the only person you talk to about inner conflict is yourself, and this can be a very lonely, confusing struggle. (Karen)
To deal with this loneliness, you need to be brutally honest with yourself. First, admit that you have a dire need to be accepted, which affects your actions, and that it’s hard to think for yourself or to make your own decisions. Then stop struggling alone. The church teaches that the Master went through lots of peer pressure which was handled appropriately, so church (and non-church) people can talk to church pastors, who will be able to pray with them, and take them through various steps to self-esteem. It is also important to find friends of positive influence. If you find yourself surrounded only by friends who get drunk and disorderly every weekend, you need to change your friends. They certainly cannot help you. You need friends you can talk to about your inner struggle. Develop healthy relationships with people who can encourage you to live better, do better, and be better.
Listen more, and don’t agree with other people’s comments at face-value, they may also be trying to impress. Repeat to yourself daily “being like others is no guarantee they’ll like or accept me”. Change is constant. According to Karen, what your “friends” like or accept today will certainly change tomorrow. You can get dizzy trying to keep up. If more people would just be themselves, the pressure to impress would lose its trend, slowly, but surely. And to be honest, “who cares what people say”. You are a person worth knowing and enjoying. So just be yourself. You’re best that way.
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